welcome to your first day.

let's just get this out of the way.

you're new here, so I'll assume that you have no idea about the one inescapable truth about fantasy football.

it's for losers.

that's a tough pill to swallow for someone in your position. you're here after all. you've chosen to be here. you are spending your precious time reading a lot of nonsense written about grown men (actual fathers and professionals and people with real world responsibilities) playing a fantasy game that's based on a real world game of which the outcomes couldn't matter less to the history of humankind; so clearly you care deeply enough to climb down this rabbit hole. clearly, you think fantasy football is amazing. you must enjoy the pageantry and excess that surround the industry. you relish the competition, the drama. you appreciate the banter, the slander, and the good willed ribbing of one's friends.

but I assure you, fantasy football is for losers.

so many losers.

well, maybe more accurately, fantasy football is for the most part, for the vast majority people, just for losers . . .

save one glorious victor per league per year. only one.

but the rest of you are just going to be losers.

we could discuss the art of losing here, but that's a conversation for another day.

it is your first day here after all, so let's just make sure we cover the basics.

to be a winner (and that's to say that you haven't wasted your entire fall and winter engaged in cutthroat, morally questionable, and sometimes idiotic behavior, for absolutely nothing) there is only one path.

you are on the precipice of a hero's journey. like Frodo heading out for a hike or Neo learning that he's really a battery, you're about to take the first steps of a journey that is most likely doomed already.

but there is spilling out before you in the multiverse of outcomes, one solitary strand wherein you stand above the smote remains of your rivals to hoist a cheap plastic tchotchke and exclaim, "I'm a winner! things are gonna change! I can feel it!"

don't get your hopes up too much. even Lloyd Christmas-ian levels of optimism will only get you so far and in all likelihood your already a loser and just don't realize it.

still, to even give yourself a fighting chance, you'll need to grab your proverbial light saber and head to Dagobah to train with your green monkey pet thing. That is to say, you'll need to kill it in these three areas if you want to escape your loser fate.

1. win the draft - while this depends much upon the format of your league (keepers, dynasty, auction, or snake), you'll need to do your homework. whether you like to read or listen to podcasts, it starts with understanding that the draft is a marketplace, and just like waddling though a Walmart, you need to understand what everything is worth. another good way to get a handle on this, is though mock drafting, or investing time and money in some off season best ball drafts, but you need to know where people value players so that you can jump on the 'sale items' as they drop inexplicably in your lap. stay abreast of camp and injury news. have a strategy but be flexible. whatever it is, just do your homework.

2. win the waiver wire - again format will drive your overall strategy, so start there. make sure you understand your league rules. know when waivers run, know what you're spending (waiver priority or FAAB). don't get complacent. remember that true league winners are seldom picked up for free, but injuries and role changes do happen. the more active you are churning through the bargain bin, the higher your chances of finding a hidden gem.

3. win your trades - let's just assume for a second that you're playing against other apes of similar intelligence and engagement. you're not going to rob anyone in a trade unless that are a complete rube (which despite your league mates whining about it, would not in fact be a reason to veto a trade). so take your time, and look for trade partners who's needs you can assess and fulfill. make the effort to lay out your case for them. if their team gets a little better, that's fine, as long as your team is ascending further. incremental growth is key.

that's all there is to it.

seems easy, right?

seems like fun, yeah? worth your time?

sure. but don't forget, at the end of the year, unless you are in that unlikely and coveted 1st place position, you're just a loser. just like the rest of them. so don't butt fumble this. you've only got one shot. there is no try, young padawan. do or do not.

good luck. you're going to need it.

see you on the fake gridiron.

losers.